Declining Responsibility

Oi ‘ad a pair of Gum-Boots, for twenty seven weeks,
But now O’ive had to pack ‘em in, because the buggers leak.
Oi never ripped nor tore ‘em, nor injured them a bit:
The only thing Oi used ‘em for was puddling in the shit.
Oi oughta ‘ad more savvy - There’s chemicals in dung
As rots the rubber off ‘em, Loike smoking rots your lung.
Oi never shoulda soiled ‘em, nor even get ‘em wet:
Oi shoulda worn ‘em ev’nings round the television set,
So now Oi treads the dung-heap, loike Adam, Oi suppose,
Moi new boots in the office-safe the shit between my toes,
The missus has divorsed Oi, The kids have gone away,
But any road Oi’ve saved moi boots, from Chemical decay!

Me Feet

O’ I wish I’d looked after me feet
When they were 16 and still sweet
‘Cos when I was born
I hadn’t a corn
And me toenails were pink and so neat

O’ I wish I hadn’t been vain
And wore what I walked in - with pain
While I was in fashion
Me teeth I was gnashin’
And the red from me cheeks it would drain

As now in my slippers I bide
And try all me defects to hide
I know that me feet
Would have Frankenstein beat
He couldn’t do worse if he tried

So take warning you kids who know all
As down from your platforms you fall
If I’d known me onions
I wouldn’t have bunions
T’aint worth it - just to walk tall.

An Ode to Feet

My trusty friends I must confess
Through all the years you've served me best
Without your aid I'd not have known
The joy of walking on my own
When your first faltering steps you took
And I, my Mothers hand forsook
From that time forth I'd trusted you
And rough or smooth you've carried me through
Through schooldays bounding merrily
You skipped and danced right merrily
On moonlit jaunts down Lovers Lane
I never knew you to complain
Advancing years have increased weight
But still you keep a steady gait
And though in Flats you'd rather be
I make you walk on stilts for me
Now corns and callouses are your lot
Still up the stairs and down you trot
Till all the work once more is done
Then rest a while and off you run
You've served me well throughout the years
But age has crept up unawares
So take fresh heart my faithful friends
I am about to make amends
For you alone I'll make a tryst
With one they call a Chiropodist
They say he'll uproot all your corns
And rid you of the pain they cause
Callouses and bunions too
He'll take them all away from you
And so, renewed in strength and vigour
We'll go on many years together
If you keep a regular tryst
With your new found friend the Chiropodist

Grandmas Shoes

When I was very little

All the Grandma’s that I knew

All walked around this world

In ugly Grandma shoes



You know the ones I speak of,

Those black clunky-heeled kind,

They just looked so very awful

That it weighed upon my mind.



For I knew, when I grew old

I’d have to wear those shoes,

I’d think of that from time to time

It seemed like such bad news.



I never was a rebel,

I wore saddle shoes to school,

And next came ballerinas

then the sandals pretty cool.



And then came spikes with pointed toes,

Then platforms, very tall,

As each new fashion came alone

I wore them, one and all.



But always, in the distance

Looming in my future there,

Was that awful pair of ugly shoes,

The kind that Grandma’s wear.



I eventually got married

And then I became a Mom

Our kids grew up and left

And when their children came along



I knew I was a Grandma

And the time was drawing near

When those clunky, black, old lace-up shoes

Was what I’d have to wear



How would I do my gardening

Or take my morning hike?

I couldn’t even think about

How I would ride my bike!



But fashions kept evolving

And one day I realized

That the shape of things to come

Was changing right before my eyes.



And now when I go shopping

What I see fills me with glee,

For in my jeans and Reeboks

I’m as comfy as can be.



And I look at all these teenage girls

And there upon their feet

Are clunky, black old Grandma shoes,

And they think they’re really neat.